A Place I was at 20 years ago,

Explanation: I want the cure for dying alone. – I am going to talk about a quote in a song and how it relates to me.

Under such disappointing times, we distract ourselves. Showing off our petty chemical fires. They glow so wrong. So you follow your dreams, or at least the dreams you’ve settled for. But if you followed your dreams… I want the answer. I want the cure for dying alone. – I want to go to a faraway university to be a pre-medical, but if I do I lost my friends. They will not like me. But if I stay, I feel alone too.

When I was 18 years old, I suddenly become really sad and downcast, even though I have a very relaxing life and I don’t have any major events that happen to my life.

My dad was like what are you sad about? You have everything! (compare to my life, you should not be sad about your life. It does not mean I have everything.) Your life is so easy.

Existentialism

I felt very pessimistic and kept asking about the meaning of my life.

This is how I felt:

losing a loved one in death, or facing the reality of one’s own death

feeling unfulfilled

dissatisfaction with self

Does not feel belong with anyone

Feeling lost in the world

Experiencing great personal conflict

Grieving changes or losses when there are none

Symptom of grief, loneliness when I have friends and family. So that’s why I’m alone in my room most of the time even though I have my family.

Questioning the meaning of life

Crisis of meaning and meaninglessness

Having a meaning and purpose in life can provide hope. But after reflecting on your life, you may feel that you didn’t accomplish anything significant or make a difference. This can lead people to question their very existence.

I did something it’s not because of fame or materialism or praises or social changes. It’s more about I didn’t make much different or changes in myself. I’m still the same person but I wanted to stay the way I am.

I believe that the teenage years is like the opening of a river where it meets the sea. It’s one of those years that prepares you for the transition to the wider ocean. Yet it is never a smooth transition because the mouth between the river that run to the ocean is not free of waves. These are the waves that give you much obstacles because you are going against the currents. Even so, once you pass through these waves, there is a wealth of hope, knowledge, and freedom await you in that big ocean.

Living my life up until now, I have begun to learn that nothing lasts forever. Nothing ever lasts long like how we want it to be no matter how much we hold on to it. Just like there is a famous saying that we never step in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man, there will always be abrupt changes both in the events and ourselves, so we just have to go with the transition. It’s easy to say, but I’m one of those people who stubbornly stay put in one place. (German people said I don’t progress, I just want things to stay the same). I lack the flexibility that requires to keep up with the world, and sometimes I even feel that the world is the rabbit and I am the turtle. I am constantly racing with the world, hoping someday that I can catch up by finding my way into the water and become a sea turtle, so I can move together with the eb and flow of the place where the river meets the ocean. Maybe that’s the only way I think I can win against a rabbit, I think, after all, rabbits can’t swim and not all rabbits are lazy.

Summer of the Year 19XX. That was the summer where I had a realization. About things. About people. About myself. If there is one thing I have to say about my life so far, it has to be indifferent. Tell you what, no matter what I do, I have no been able to finish up what he has started until the end.

All my life I have never been able to finish up what I have started. Whether it is from helping other people to doing my hobbies, I just can’t bring myself to finish them. People said that things take time but what do you know? Time goes by fast and just a blink of an eyes and everything has already changed. I start to contemplate how to catch up with the blink of time, but the more I try, the more I feel like I’m an irresponsible person. I think when you put your mind into something, you should follow it through, because you have made a promise with yourself, and making a promise with yourself is no different from making a promise with someone else.

One thing about me is that I fear of having a unique identity because I fear people will judge me so I feel like not listening to myself enough. I think I’m not strong enough. I end up wearing a mask and try to act like something I am not in front of people. I feel like I am too obedient to my surroundings and not be able to do what I really want. I try to overcome my fear and fight my inner demons, but my insecurities are like parasites eating me up from inside the core to the outside.

My mind is always at war with itself. I do not know whether to let people into my life or whether to ignore them and block them from getting involve with me. I don’t trust people enough. Not everyone has good intentions and they will not hesitate to sabotage everything you love and everything you have done so far. But not trusting people mean you are not open up to them and end up not loving enough. Which is very contradictory. And I think it is funny because either way, you end up with nothing.